Better Days Ahead

I am going to begin my last round of chemotherapy this Friday. I have been distraught about beginning again. I know what chemotherapy feels like because I have gone through it a few times and this knowing has produced high anxiety within me over the last 3 weeks. My chemo treatment will be over a 4 month period once a week. I have cried, thought about the anxiety medicine I could take to help me get through it, cried some more, prayed and prayed, talked it over with anyone who will listen, cried some more and then I had an awesome dream....

One of the great things about being a cancer patient is that no one minds if you take a nap any time, mid-morning, afternoon, right when dinner is being made...it's so nice! Saturday afternoon I took one of my power naps and right before I woke up I had a dream that I was walking toward a parade, the air was fresh and the sun was shining. I had my beautiful red hair back and the sunshine was giving it a lovely auburn glow. I was touching it and feeling so grateful to have hair again. The wind was blowing in just the right movie star way and I was happy and smiling from ear to ear. What once was lost had come again and then I woke up. It was a simple dream but the message that came into my heart was that there will be better days ahead. I will one day be happily walking towards parades, there will be sun in Seattle again. I will one day not be sick every day. My hair will return. And my kids will one day not have to be asked every day how is your mom doing because I will be healthy and well. I believe God wanted me to know that better days are ahead so that I can face the next four months with courage, faith and hope.

I know I must find joy during my treatment too and I will try but I cannot lie when February 28th arrives....I will be on my way to better days.

Family's Time

I was diagnosed with cancer in May of 2014. Since that time I have had extended family members coming to take care of us every week. Basically the past five months we have been picking up family from the airport to help us. 

Our parents have been the major care taking force. They have all flown in, worked on mounds of laundry, walked grand kids up the hill on early mornings, cooked, listened to teenagers, weeded flower beds, solved kid disputes and filled the dishwasher day after day. They have not complained but insisted I rest or that I sit down. The time they have given to us will always be remembered and appreciated.

Bryan and I have 9 siblings plus my uncle's family are more like siblings then aunt and uncle so we will say 10 all together. Almost every family has flown someone into Seattle or our kids have flown to be cared for by them. My children have gotten to know their aunts, uncles and cousins better. Someone said to me just the other day that they were amazed by how remarkable my children are doing through all we have been through. Well I know it is because they have been loved by our extended family. 

One of the great sayings coined by my church is: "Family, it's about time." Life is about making time for those we love and for people in general. I know that our family of 6 has been immensely blessed because our extended family made the time to help us. I am certain that I would not be in as good of health without their help. Their examples of sharing time will remain with us always.

Can I just say we have an awesome large family! I am so grateful for them!

An Instrument in His Hands

I've always loved to sing. I love to hear others sing. There is something magical about the human voice. Have you ever considered that it is the one instrument that was created by God's hands for all of us to enjoy?

The week prior to my surgery I had a full-day consult at the hospital that included sessions with an individual from each of the departments that would see to my care following surgery. I learned from the anesthesiologist that the surgery posed a risk to my voice.

Our lungs work as a pair, and because the doctors would be operating on the right lung, they would need to inactivate it for a time. During the surgery I would need to breathe from the left lung only To allow this, the doctors would need to insert a double breathing tube into my trachea. Because of the large tube size, there is a larger potential for impact to the vocal chords.
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We discussed it further and I learned that there were possibilities that I would never be able to sing again and could speak in a raspy voice the rest of my life.

I was devastated by this news, and I really let it get me down. A good friend soon reminded me of all the miracles that have occurred throughout my cancer treatment, and she reminded me again to not worry, but to place my faith in Christ. It is hard sometimes to remain faithful in trials, and so show and express faith day in and day out. This is something I need to improve in myself. God has taught me that having faith before the miracle is what brings about the miracle.

When I awoke from my surgery, someone (I can't remember who--I was still foggy from the medications) recognized that I hadn't lost my voice, that while I sounded weak and feeble, I didn't sound raspy! And in the hours following the procedure my voice has continued to strengthen. I look forward to singing very soon!

Peaches with Cream and a Sprinkle of Sugar

One year ago in 2013 I called a friend of mine and asked her if she would teach me how to can or bottle fresh peaches. I had canned with my mother as a child but was uncertain if I was ready to take on the detailed task alone for the first time. My friend happily agreed and I spent one happy afternoon learning how to bottle sweet peaches. Some of my peaches weren't quit ripe but I think I recall my friend reminding me that this wouldn't matter once the sugar was added the peaches would taste delicious. She was so right but I wouldn't discover the truth of this statement until one year later. 

This summer in 2014 due to my cancer treatment; the radiation treatment making it nearly impossible for me to swallow anything without pain and the chemotherapy treatment causing most everything to taste and smell bad. There were few foods that I could eat without great difficultly. One of those foods was sweet, bottled, peaches; either plain, with cream or made into peach smoothies. I had only canned 12 bottles of peaches last summer and noticed that I was on my last bottle with still several weeks of treatment left to complete. I shared this information with my friend who had volunteered to drive me to treatment once a week during my 6 weeks of radiation treatment. I let her know that the peaches she taught me to can were helping me survive my eating woes! I think I also mentioned that I was on my last bottle of peaches.

A few days later I was coming home from treatment and there on my front porch was a case with a note. I opened the box and found 12 beautifully, bottled peaches with a homemade note from my friend. She had taken the time once again to teach me this time about giving and serving. It takes a lot of time to can food but her efforts were such a sweet blessing to a friend that could eat very little.  She enabled me to continue eating as I finished my treatment. Friends who give so much make the challenging times taste a little sweeter like you are adding a sprinkle of sugar and little extra cream to delicious peaches! 

Mama I am Going to Close My Eyes.....and you are going too?

Out of necessity I have become a hat person. Who knew. I have three hats I am  comfortable with. I need to buy more.

Sometimes I just need to be hat free. I try not to take my hats off when my little ones are near because it seems to bother them.

One hot afternoon I took my hat off when Nate came into the room. He put his hands out, waving them and said, Mama I going to close my eyes and then you are going to put your hat back on!" He continued Mama this isn't a good look for you! I smiled and put my hat back on.  My new look is hard to get used to and I felt glad he was willing to share how he truly felt.

It also made me laugh and I am always looking for something funny for stress reduction and comic relief!

Phew! Blessings take away the BLUES!

I have been feeling down tonight. I am trying not to but it is easy to feel sorry for myself right now. I think any cancer patient can find a reason to just feel down right blue. It is hard to sleep, it is hard to eat, and it is just plain difficult to being sick day after day after day. Always looking forward to the next week when you hope you will start feeling a little better. Being tired and kind of low is the name of the game with treatment.

As I have contemplated my own whoa is me. I have come across some blessings I have received which have been brought to my attention through other patients I have met or circumstances that have occurred. They have brought me to reflect a little less on the negative and sharpened my attention to the details God is daily blessing me with.

This Tuesday I will conclude 6 weeks of  radiation. I will have been radiated with 60 greys of radiation in three spots. My radiation doctor has warned me several times that I may get blisters, rashing or a sunburn. I spoke with another patient at the cancer center this week and she said she has had burning and blisters. I have not had a rash, blister, or sunburn. I do have pain associated with the radiation but no skin irritations.

I received preliminary news this week that my cancer is shrinking back. My lymph nodes are shrinking and things seem to be going well. I will meet with my Doctors this week and am hopeful that all will look well during upcoming scans.

Here are a few more sweet blessings we have received this past month:

My sister-in-law Becky and niece, Ella came to stay with us. Becky made me the best chicken pot pie in the world. I hadn't eaten much in days and I had three helpings that night. It was amazing. My niece Ella was a sweet companion for my Cassidy. They played and played. Cassie still says she misses, Ella.

My brother/uncle Rick came to stay with us this week. He was a pal to my son, Nate who often has too many girls in his life. Nathan didn't get to say good-bye when we took Rick to the airport and when he found out Rick was gone he burst into tears and said I didn't even get to say good-bye. It made me burst into tears and feel the tender mercy it had been for Nate to have a pal for a week. We had some funny mishaps that occurred during the week Rick was here but these things didn't matter, what mattered was that he came, took care of us, helped landscape areas of my yard and made a bond with Nathan that was very needed.

We had our windows cleaned inside and out by someone who loves us. I have been laying looking out my dirty windows for months trying to recover wishing I had some energy to wash away some dust and then someone just cleaned them for me. Oh the views now!

I have a sweet new bird feeder tea cup in my front flower bed someone dropped by.

I have received cards, letters, flowers, cash and prayers from so many that I love. Including a beloved 3rd grade teacher reminding me that I was not an unforgettable bright red haired third grader.

In the next months my sister, mom, nephews, sister-in-laws and brother-in-law will be flying or driving in to see me. To cheer me and bless my family.

A dear high school friend is also coming from Utah just to see me. Well I think that is why she is coming it may be because of our current stunning unusual Seattle weather. Speaking of weather I am also grateful that we have had the most beautiful weather lately.

Well that is enough for now. I am certainly blessed and can no longer feel blue. Phew! I hate feeling down it is down right depressing :)

Children's Words Help Me Turn Lemons to Lemonade!

My children, nieces and nephews, and my little friends have brightened my world throughout the last months of cancer treatment. If you have heard them say or share other things please post them for me. Their words lift my spirit and turn a few of my Lemons to Lemonade.

Here are a few of their words that have been shared with me so far:

When my hair came off last week my five year old niece prayed, "Dear Heavenly Father, please bless that my Aunt Jenny will know that she is still beautiful." I needed that prayer and felt more beautiful because I am loved and because so many people are praying for me.

My 12 year old nephew had to have his tonsils out this week and had been worrying about getting an IV. He said he could be brave because, his Aunt Jenny has to be brave during treatment.

Adrianna said she missed me while she was away from me at girl's camp, and Bethany was certain that I was coming to visit girl's camp for one night, until Adri finally said, "Beth...mom is in treatment, so she can't come." It is still good to know I am needed and missed by my two sweet daughters.

My Adri and Bethie are always giving me reassuring smiles, "Mom are you okay?""How can we help?" "Don't feel bad about your hair." "Don't worry that you can't help right now." I don't know what I would do without them.

All four of my children fasted for me, including my 7-year-old, for one meal, along with my nieces and nephews and the children from our church congregation. Cassidy's church teacher related a story about a sweet prayer that Cassidy gave during children's primary class. She said, "Please bless that our fast today will be enough to heal my mommy." Her prayers continue to be humbling each night as she remembers to ask God to heal me.

My Nathan told me just tonight that I am his special mama and he loves me. One other fun story about Nate happened after my first week of chemotherapy and radiation. It happened on the day I performed with the Ensign Symphony and Chorus, and Alex Boye at the Benaroyla Hall in Seattle. Nathan, Bryan, Adrianna and Bethany all came to see me perform. Nathan sat next to his daddy and during the performance he turned to Bryan and said, "Mom looks beautiful tonight." I felt beautiful, loved and watched over by God above who has sent me children to love--my own as well as my nieces and nephews and the many children I have been able to teach and care about through the years. I am so grateful for their faith and prayers for me, and I know that God will answer.

Here is a link from Alex Boye singing the message that when Life Gives you Lemons Make Lemonade.

All of these children in my life are helping me make Lemonade! Yum!

The Great Beautician

Today is Monday, week number five of my lung cancer treatment. I begin chemo again this week after a three week break. The one positive thing I can say about this week is that I am looking forward to next week and putting behind me these next six days of chemo.

Today I wanted to share a love story today about my great beautician.

One week ago today I woke up at 4:30 am. I wasn't sleeping well and I was tossing and turning. I saw I was being disturbed by some hair that had fallen out on my pillow. Now I do feel that hair is just hair, and I know it will one day return, but I still woke up crying. My sleeping husband heard me crying and awoke and held me close. I sobbed to him that it was time to shave my hair off. The day before I had told him it would be another week, so he asked if I was sure and if I wanted to wait a little longer. I tugged and easily pulled out some strands of hair. I showed him and with resolve said, "I am ready now!" He got out the equipment and we went downstairs.

I cried some more, but once he took the clippers and began shaving, I no longer cried. I knew I was ready. This is the second time in my life that I lost my hair. The first time was when I was 13, while receiving chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. During that time I wanted to keep my hair as long as possible so I stopped brushing, washing, or touching it until it got so matted that my mom had to just gently pull it out in the shower. This time I wanted it to be my choice when it came out or off.

My husband was so tender with me as he shaved my hair off. He loved me through it and did something that I couldn't do for myself or that I didn't want to do on my own. I have always been an independent woman. I like being strong and getting things done on my own. During my treatment I have had to step away from this determination to be independent and instead I have needed to rely on others, particularly my husband. He has been my rock, my cheerleader, a realist, and the "drama-calmer-downer."

He took the time to use the clippers, then an electric razor, and finally shaving cream and a razor to give me nice clean skin. He didn't complain that it was 5:00 AM. He said I looked beautiful when I felt hideous! He kept my spirits up by talking about funny things. My husband has teased me on and off through the years that I didn't need a beautician, that he could just cut or color my hair. I would just laugh, roll my eyes and ignore him. But in this moment I considered him the great beautician, my best friend and the love of my life.

Who Are the Brave?

My daughters Adrianna, Bethany and I took a trip to Washington D.C. and Virginia just before my chemo and radiation treatments began. Our trip was sorely needed and helped us to create wonderful memories together. While on the trip we were were guided by two wonderful teachers, Mrs. Taylor from my daughter's school, and Mr. Menia from a nearby elementary school. We spent one day at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and we had a blast! Mr. Menia took charge of getting all the kids to ride the coasters without fear. He gave this quote, "Courage is doing things you are afraid to do." I then asked him what he considered to be the difference between being brave and having courage, and we decided together that you are brave when you face something very hard that you have to do and you have no choice in the matter.

I sing with the Ensign Symphony and Chorus as an alto. We are performing on July 5th at the Benaroya Hall with Alex Boye. One of the pieces we will sing is called "Who are the Brave." The song describes all kinds of brave people: military, the sick, or heros. At the end of the song the message concludes that the brave are those who serve, those who give more of themselves or who think of others more than self.

I begin day number four of treatment today and then I am off for three days due to the holiday. Hooray! I continue to have fears. I cannot tell a lie. I am afraid of losing my hair, I am afraid my kids will be afraid of me, I am afraid that I will not ever be the same physically after chemo, radiation and surgery. I am afraid to make others worry about me, and that people will feel sorry for me. 

Yes, I am afraid--but I am courageous. I am determined. I am persistent. I will fight! And I stand with the faith of my family and friends and most importantly I stand with God. I believe that each person who prays for me, worries about me or serves my family or myself is brave.

I do not stand against cancer alone I stand with the brave!

Just Not My Way

I cannot hold still! Even when I am watching a movie I usually do something else. I clean my kitchen, type on my laptop or use scissors to cut something out. When I have to do tasks that require holding still or sitting still, I sometimes ask to stand. Sitting still is just not my way.

 

Now I will be asked to hold still all the time while I am receiving treatment for lung cancer. Medical professionals ask me every day now, "Can you hold still while we scan you?" "Can you hold still for 12 minutes while we radiate you?" "Can you hold still while we run cell killers through your veins?" "No!" I want to scream, "I cannot!" And yet, I make myself hold still. What I believe is that God finds ways that help us become good at what we are not good at. Sometimes we don’t even know we are not good at certain things. I didn't realize fully or to what extent I am not good at being still until I was required to be still.

Psalms 46:10 reads, "Be still, and know that I am God."

As I have been required to hold still, I have met many new friends who are also fighting to win against cancer. I am able to take the time to listen to them, be encouraged by them, and hopefully convey to them my belief that God has a plan for each of his children. I believe that he knows us personally, especially those of us who are facing one of the great medical battles of our time--freedom from cancer.

Watch Out Doors!

I was diagnosed with stage 3A lung cancer this week.

Wow! I said it. I officially have cancer again.

It was difficult for me to walk back into a cancer center 2 weeks ago for a PET scan. I haven't been in a cancer center for 29 years in which I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 13. I am so grateful for these years, and in a maybe not so humble way, I am proud of these 29 healthy years.

A PET scan aids doctors to determine whether an area of concern is cancerous. When I found out I would be having a PET scan, and that the PET machine was in the cancer center, I was scared and I cried. My husband was scheduled to take a business trip on the day of my scan and I thought I was going to have to walk through the cancer center doors alone. I didn't have to because my husband canceled his business trip to go with me. I was not so scared after that :). I walked through those doors just fine.

But now, when I walk through those doors again this week I will be a cancer patient. I am sad, scared, angry, worried, tired already and yet I also feel brave, faithful, courageous, supported and loved. Is it odd to feel all these things at once? I am going to believe that all these feelings are fine.

What wouldn't be fine is to forget to acknowledge that I will not walk through those doors alone:

1. my husband is always by my side and pleading with the Lord for my remission
2. my four sweet children are praying for me
3. hundreds of my family and friends are praying for me, including my almost 36 nieces and nephews
4. my guardian angels are watching over me (my many grandparents)
5. and most importantly, Christ will be carrying me.

Watch out doors!